Snake Oil And Resume Writers


“Step right up folks, come get the resume you’ve needed all your life!”
“I just knew I was a missing somethin’!”
“And right you are sir, right you are. I had you pegged for a man who knows what he’s missing and does something about it!”
“How much does it cost?”
“Cost sir? Why you affront me son with such a question! How much is it costing you not to have one?”
“I don’t get ya. Reckon I dunno.”
“Are you happy in your job? Do they treat you right? Are you making as much as you deserve?”
“Well I don’t rightly know. I guess I’m doin’ okay.”
“Doin’ okay? Why maybe this ain’t for you aft’ all. This here resume is for folks who are going places. Are you going places son?”
“Well I got me a suitcase if’n that’s what ya mean. I surely would like go places.”
(Aside) “This here boy’s duller than pencil that ain’t been sharpened. Tell you what I’m proposing here sir – you don’t mind if I call you, ‘Sir’ do you?”
“Why no I don’t and I’ll thankee for it”.
“Fine, fine. Now what I’m proposing here Sir is that you come on inside and sit yourself down. Why I got me an expert right inside gonna fit you up with a resume that’s gonna take you places you only dreamed about.”
“I don’t know rightly. Sorry for my rudeness but what’s it cost – that is ifn’ you don’t mind?”
“Well here’s the thing son, I can see your no ordinary kind of man. Why you’re the kind of man that’s got what they call moxy. Do you understand what I mean by moxy son?”
“Why sure do. That’d be the picture show house in next county.”
“No boy, that’s the Roxy; the Roxy. Now moxy that’s a whole other kettle of fish. Why moxy is the stuff you’re made of sir, and you sir, why your made of special stuff. Your different.”
“I am?”
“Why sure you are. And here’s the best part sir. You don’t have to do a thing. Why you just sit there natural like and the expert resume writer inside will make you up a standard resume with a guarantee – I said a guarantee – and you can take that to the bank!” (aside) “And I’ll be taking your money to the bank! Hee hee.”
“Well that sounds fine. Tell me about this here guarantee. How’s that work?”
“The guarantee? Oh you are a shrewd one; a real no-nonsense thinker you are. Why some folks woulda missed that, but then you got moxy like I said. Why the guarantee means it’s guaranteed to do exactly what it will do of course!”
“That’s alright then! I’ll do it!”
“Fine! Fine! Right through the curtain sir, $1.00 please in advance.”
“It’s worth it! And I got that guarantee! Oh how long’s it gonna take? I ain’t got but an hour.”
“An hour? An hour?! Why sir you’ll be in and out in less than 10 minutes! Why the expert inside is so good, why we saw you a-coming! Yessiree he’s just gonna size you up and give it to you right away. Why he’ll put it in an envelope for you and even seal it with his own lips. You can’t buy a better resume. Now this here’s gonna be your ticket to fame and fortune! Say you got a girl?”
“Shucks no.”
“Why not? A handsome fella like you oughta have a girl.”
“I ain’t got one on accounta I can’t buy this here girl I got my eyes on stuff.”
“What kinda stuff we talkin’ ’bout sir?”
“Shucks you know, regular stuff. Dinner, the Moxy er…Roxy over next county.”
“Well son your troubles are over. You fly inside boy, I said you just fly inside and get your hands on that resume and you’ll have the money soon to have a gal on both arms!”
“Me? Really?”
“Why sure, why not you? Only $2.00.”
“$2.00? Why it was only a dollar a sec ago.”
“So it was, so it was! Yes but ah, well, you need a better resume than I was gonna give you. Remember you got moxy.”
“I’m getting a better resume? Well golly I ain’t but even had one resume yet and now I’m gettin’ a better one!”

Resumes take time to make. Not hours and hours, but they do take time. If you enlist the help of a resume ‘expert’, be prepared to answer some questions so your resume is unique not mass-produced, and it sells you in the best way possible for the job you are applying to. These are qualified people who can really make a difference but it’s up to you to choose your help wisely.

What have you accomplished in the past:? Talk of the quantified results you’ve achieved, know the correct names of employers and dates of employment or volunteer work. What have you done that’s relevant to the job you are going for now? These are just some things to get you started. Get help by all means, but there is no guarantee that a resume gets you work. Anybody who promises this, or says only their resume will work; well, they’re selling something. Run!

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