So You Want To Help People?

The majority of people I come into contact with professionally have as one common denominator, the lack of employment. Those that do have a job are almost always dissatisfied with the one they have at the moment and are looking to find another; one that will ultimately bring they greater happiness, be more of a challenge, stimulate some new skills, increase their financial health etc.

As an Employment Counsellor therefore, I find myself working with others when they are often vulnerable and emotionally fragile. Sometimes the good skills and strengths they have are obscured, not immediately obvious, and this isn’t because the person is consciously trying to hide them, but rather because they have come to doubt those strengths.

In asking someone to both show and share their good qualities, strengths and that which they take pride in, it can be a very intimate discussion. While a person who has only recently become unemployed has much of their confidence and self-awareness intact, someone experiencing prolonged unemployment may feel very little to be proud of. In fact, there are some who, while looking ‘normal’ on the outside, are walking around feeling they are completely devoid of anything of any value. Sad to say, they cannot think of anything whatsoever they like about themselves, they have no faith that anyone would ever choose to hire them, and this isn’t modesty in the extreme, it’s a void of identity.

So imagine you’ve come to find yourself as such a person. You honestly see nothing in yourself that would be attractive to a perspective employer. Skills, mental health, self-confidence, experience, education, attitude all empty and wanting; doubt, lack of self-worth, zero energy, high vulnerability all in great supply. Now you hear others advising you to market yourself to employers, to ‘fake it ’til you make it’, and you just feel so much more out of sorts and incapable. You’re literally incapable and immobile. There’s no way you can do that; you can’t even imagine yourself for a second ever being what your being asked to be. The interview therefore is a non-starter. There’s just no way you can perceive self-marketing yourself and being the first choice of any employer over others.

Let’s not delude ourselves here; helping and supporting such people is no small undertaking and it’s going to take a significant amount of time to aid such a person as they rebuild their self-image. Incapacitated is how they feel, not belligerent nor unwilling, just not physically or mentally capable of doing anything in the beginning to get going.

Can you also imagine therefore in such a picture which I’m trying to create for you, that such a person is going to have many setbacks? Sure they are. There will be many false starts; where they agree to try something you’ve suggested and fail. Where they lack the skills you and I might assume they have to circumnavigate even the simplest of barriers. Good intentions get them going, but without support they fail to move ahead. In fact, small setbacks become magnified in their eyes and thinking; more reasons to feel a failure.

A real danger is to look from the outside at such a person and judge them to be lazy, improperly motivated, unwilling to move ahead, happy to stay where they are and heaven forbid – not worth the effort. These are people who are susceptible to scams, vulnerable to being misled, easily taken advantage of – largely because they have come to look for others to tell them what to do and take care of them, and as such they are often abused financially, emotionally; and each abuse makes their distrust of someone with the best of intentions all the more real.

Wow! Helping such a person seems to get harder and harder with every paragraph I write. Think of the investment of time, effort and with such a high probability of failure, are you up for the challenge? After all, why not turn your attention to helping other people who have higher probabilities of success? That would seem so much easier!

I tell you this; there is immense self-satisfaction in working with people who are so innately vulnerable. Seeing the good in people; not for what they might become but for who they are at the moment – this is often extremely challenging but so worthwhile. It’s like saying, “Until you have the ability to believe in yourself, accept that I see much of value in you; that I believe in you.” Sending that kind of message, that this person is deserving of your attention and your time is something to start with.

You might not of course have what it takes to help such people. This doesn’t make you a bad person or flawed in any way. It just means your wish to help people lies in other areas, helping in other ways with other issues. You’ll make mistakes as you go and that’s to be expected and natural. You’ll make mistakes after years of service too, and you’ll always keep learning from those you work with who are unique from every other person you meet. You’ll never get so good you’re perfect for everybody you meet.

It’s been said that Hope is the last thing one has to lose; that when all Hope is gone, there’s nothing left. Now what if in their eyes, you represent that final Hope?

Grieving At Christmas

Are you grieving at this time of year more than usual and feeling out of sorts as a result? You know, there’s merriment joy all around you whether it’s songs on the radio, Christmas cards that arrive in the post, the humourous social media posts that land on your homepage; and somehow you just don’t feel in sync with all that carefree joy all about you.

You find yourself on this pendulum swinging between moments when you get caught up in those happy moments yourself and then feel pangs of guilt as you recall the loss of someone special in your own life. Your laughter and broad smile disappear from your face replaced with stress lines on your forehead and a sombre look of remembrance. One moment you feel happy, then you’re sad, and then you’re guilty again about bringing everyone around you down in spirit. Oh if you could just get back to feeling, ‘normal’; the normal you used to feel in years past!

Welcome to your new normal. The emotions and feelings you’re experiencing are valid, very real and yours to deal with and process to the extent you are able. While normally in control in most areas of your life, it seems like you haven’t yet mastered this specific one; dealing with the loss of someone significant in your life. Try as you might, you haven’t found a way to – as they say – get over it; deal with it; move on.

The fact that Christmas brings along with it words of good cheer from everyone from family and best friends to work colleagues and strangers is well-meaning but only seems to punctuate the feeling that things aren’t usual. “Usual” means that for the other 11 months of the year people aren’t wishing you happy holidays or merry anything.

Think of that pendulum metaphor again. Your balance point looking back seemed to be when the one you’re grieving now was still around. When they departed, you experienced a shift where sorrow, longing and heartache have moved the pendulum. Then at Christmas we see, hear, smell, taste and feel the good; it’s families gathering around singing carols, over indulging in rich foods, their gifts, bright lights in the night, decorations and traditions deeply steeped in family history brought out and on exhibit 24/7 until Christmas is over. All of this swings the pendulum in the other extreme; where you’d normally be happy to go and make merry of your own accord.

But whatever side that pendulum is on at a given moment, you’re private thoughts can’t seem to be a peace with. You’re feeling guilty when privately grieving and feeling remorseful when you catch yourself humming a Christmas song in your head let alone out loud. So yes, you’re feeling out of sorts all the time. Why can’t everyone around you understand this and give you your own space so you can get the pendulum back to the center?

Of course to others, they see mood swings and may feel they are walking around on eggshells trying not to set you off. They want desperately to be of help and support; they worry don’t they? And you of course are wondering why they themselves are seemingly handling things much better than you are. Don’t they miss the departed? Don’t they care as much as you do?

Everybody experiences loss and everyone processes the feelings that go with loss in a very personal way. The thing is there is no set timeline for doing so. People who experience long grieving periods might worry those who don’t, and those that don’t worry those who do because they may come across as unfeeling, callous, cold and detached.

It’s healthy to accept that we all process loss and figure out how to move ahead on our own at our own pace. We know intellectually that death is inevitable where there is life; the day we get a puppy we know a day at some point will come when the pet will pass away. Does this make it easier? Maybe for some but not for all. And things get magnified for many when the loss isn’t a family pet but a family member such as a mother or father; daughter or son.

So here it comes…Time is the answer. How much time? Who is to say? You can no better predict how long you’ll take to deal with your personal loss than you could predict how long you’ll live yourself.

Now this grieving process of dealing with the loss of someone special is identical to the process of grieving over a family pet for some and yes grieving over the loss of employment. That may seem trivializing your loss of a family member but to some people, the shock, anger, denial, bargaining and eventual acceptance which makes up the grieving process is just as real when losing a job and shouldn’t be dismissed as not just as real.

Give yourself permission to have your moments of pain and don’t apologize for your tears of remembrance. These are your own very personal moments and your thoughts are not to be taken as a weakness of character. You should never expect nor hope I imagine to entirely forget the person gone, the pet gone or the job lost.

You will eventually get to where you will give yourself permission to be happy without feeling conflicted or guilty. Your good mental health will return. Do accept wishes for a merry Christmas as they are intended; with only the best of intentions.

Help In Dark Places

Sometimes in the deepest, darkness places, where lurk the demons Confusion, Doubt, Depression and Despair; you may find at that single moment when you feel resigned to give in, give out and give up; a hand reaching out and offering a way out – if you’ll only reach back and grab it.

Don’t you sometimes feel that although you know not everyone has it easy in this world, you really do believe that no one knows the depths to which you’ve personally sunk? Don’t you feel (if you haven’t succumbed to the numbness that your own decline has brought) that no one really gets you and therefore no one can really help you out of the pit you’re in? It can be like that. If you feel that way right now take heart if for no other reason than you haven’t lost your ability to feel; even if what you feel is an encroaching pallor of blackness.

When it comes to being trapped in a dead-end job, I bet I can take an educated guess at some of what you’ve experienced or are experiencing. If you loathe your job, I’m guessing you’ve thought, “Is this it? It’s a pretty sorry existence when I was brought into this world, told I could be anything I put my mind to and I’m stuck here doing this! Is this it for the rest of my working life? This is how I’ll leave my mark on the world? What a joke!”

Or if you haven’t got a job; are fraught with indecisiveness, feel like you’ve got so much to give but nobody cares to give you a break, you’re left feeling hopelessness and isolation. All the rejection from employers is like dead air on the other end of a phone call when you’ve used your last change and you know if you hang up no refund is coming so you’re hanging on with less than a slim hope that Life will give you a chance. If you had any energy left your last words would be, “All I asked for was a chance…”

Take heart. When you’ve got no sound reason left to believe in Hope; when all the logic in the world suggests you haven’t got a prayer and you hear Despair whispering in your ear that quitting would be so much easier and that yes the world is such a cruel place for someone like you…breathe…and have Faith.

That hand that’s reaching out in the darkness in your direction offering you a way out of the enveloping darkness has always been there and will continue to be there for you – always. All you have to do is put yourself in a place where you can see it, recognize it for what it is, and then have the wisdom to reach back out to it and hold on for all you’ve got until you’re able to stand on your own and move forward with confidence.

I’ve been struck silent 6 times this week if you can believe it by 6 different people who shared their stories with me. Each conversation had the same theme; the person was in a very private dark period in their life, and the darkness was all around them day after day and appeared to have no end. What each of them held onto was exactly the same thing however; I had believed in them and saw something of value in them when they couldn’t see it for themselves. That was all it took to sustain them until they began to believe in themselves. I’m sharing this with you not because I value self-praise, but because in sharing their experiences perhaps you might give the hands reaching out to you the opportunity to help with your own burdens. Perhaps there is a way out of your own dark places.

I don’t know why 6 people over the course of 2 days felt now was the time to express their thanks for seeing something in them in those dark days. I’m grateful, humbled and to be honest feel exhilarated to know that I played a big part – without knowing it at the time – in helping them become the people they are. In all 6 instances, they have made positive changes and feel greater self-esteem, confidence and inclusiveness when it comes to the people around them. Those same 6 I can say with absolute certainty will pay it forward, and without intending to do so, be the hand that reaches out to help someone else.

If you work in Social Services you understand my message. You’ve been the hand in the darkness yourself, looked and found redeeming qualities in those you come into contact with. These were my 6 and I might go for long stretches before the next person thanks me for believing in them. But you; you’ve had the same impact on people in your circle.

If you’re struggling; really teetering on packing it in and just surrendering to the void, look at least a few more times in your bleakness and grasp the hands of Help and Hope that surround you. You must help yourself by making yourself visible and ask for help. YOU are far too valuable, significant and important to give in to Confusion, Doubt, Depression and Despair. If you can’t at the present believe in yourself, believe in those who believe in you. For now, hang on to that.

That Single Second Of A Possibility

Your commute: That daily drive down deep into the darkest, dank, death-like dungeon of despair. Your destination? The job from the netherworld from which you routinely gazed up into the ceiling above, with your arms flung as wide as you can while you screamed to some unknown force in the universe, “WHY ME?!”

Ever had one of those jobs? You loathed it on a Sunday morning when you automatically without willing it realized that you had this single day of respite before you had to march into your workplace and shackle yourself to your desk with a ball and chain. You looked around and saw only resignation on the faces of your co-workers. The worse part of the entire picture was that as you saw it there were no guards, no warden, no executioner – just prisoners who chained themselves without questioning to their work and released themselves at 5:00 p.m. only to repeat the sentence upon the dawn of the following day.

Your co-workers names you no longer recall, but sympathetically refer to them now as Diablo in reception, Lucifer in accounts, Beelzebub your boss; who seemed looking back now to be as lost as yourself. Everything around you seemed so stale, so unappealing, joyless – even plants on the window sill drooped in mute capitulation.

Maybe you did have one of those jobs or worse still have one of those jobs now! Yikes! How unfortunate if you do but feel you have no options, no hope, no promise of a brighter day! Alas, is there no mercy? And what devilry is there afoot that brought you to this lowly place? What sins did you commit to become sentenced to this endless fate which drones on and ever on?

Okay enough of that. Give your head a shake and sit up straight. Focus. I said focus! You there in the front row with your head in front of the screen. Yes you! Focus!

A change in scenery is definitely required here isn’t it? Of course it is. You’re deserving of a better existence aren’t you? Of course you are! Work need not be a drudgery exercise to be repeated 5 or 6 days out of 7 for the rest of your working life. You’re not serving a sentence where you get released home for a day or two each week in an effort to integrate you back into society when you retire and can’t do anyone much harm. At the moment, it would appear you are the one in harm, and it may just be self-inflicted.

You my dear reader, in order to bring about the change you want, have to BE the instrument of change itself. Nothing changes until change occurs. Oh lovely you say, now he’s being just a tad trite. But it’s true. NOTHING CHANGES UNTIL CHANGE OCCURS. It has to start somewhere after all; that first second when something sparks a new thought that you haven’t previously had. That single second is the seed of change presenting itself and what happens next is entirely up to you.

Think of it; that single second where you see an option, a fork in the road, a possibility…and we all have those single seconds when new possibilities come into our conscious thought. Some of us nurture those thoughts, close our eyes and encourage more thoughts. We imagine, allow ourselves to dream, to consider, and then we connect those single seconds into a minute of thought, an hour, a day. We then talk with others around us about those thoughts we are having and breathe life into the possibilities which lead us to examine our skills, our aptitude, then research the opportunities suggested and develop workable realistic goals.

In others of course, that same single second of thought which is the seed of something that could be, is quickly extinguished like an unwanted light in the darkness. Change and the struggles it might bring seems somehow worse than what we have now, and what new disaster might the future bring if we error in following that spark and things end up even more disastrous than they are now? The result is no change, no movement, little hope for something better, and more of the same.

Choose.

Choice is one of the greatest gifts we have but only if we see choice as opportunity for something better. Choice can be something others don’t want – they’d prefer others choose their destiny for them. ie. “Tell me what to do with my life!”

Maybe exploring a small tiny spark of some new idea doesn’t really have to cost you anything other than some moments of reflection. After all, you have the power to explore any idea as far as you like and either go all the way with it or choose at any time to snuff it out for what you have instead of something else.

But you; you who toil timidly today, tomorrow, to the ends of the time you can foretell, why not at least consider that the next time you feel a momentary spark of a new possibility to think on it. You my friend are the single person on this planet of billions of life forms with the capacity to alter your future. Your future you is one day going to look back and either regret the moments you rejected exploring change, or thank yourself gratefully for giving yourself permission to pause and reflect.