Coddling And Cocooning Have Drawbacks

Could very well be that you see yourself or someone you know in this piece. You know, that overly protective parent that wants the absolute best for their growing child and in a misguided effort to protect them from some of the rough patches, sets them up for some tough life lessons later on. They raise a person who has been and perhaps continues to be sheltered, coddled and cocooned against the normal growing pains and then with little exposure and experience eventually has to fend for themselves.

When their small, parents generally safeguard their children from potential danger. Everything from sealing up electrical outlets to buying furniture with rounded edges is done with the little one in mind. As the child grows from baby to toddler; from youngster to teen, most parents adjust their protectiveness somewhat. There’s that first time the child gets to ride around the block without a parental escort, that first independent walk to school, being left alone for a few hours while the shopping is done etc.

All the above are just a few of the normal activities which set up growing independence in our children, preparing them for the time ahead when they’ll be on their own and will need some life skills upon which to build their own. For many, the first time away is in College or University; that 2-4 or more year period which often signals the transition period from living under the parents roof to eventually getting their own.

Now some parents are better at setting their children up for successful transitions than others; just as some young adults are better adapted to taking on personal responsibility for their success or failings than others. Eventually everybody comes to the point when mom and/or dad aren’t there and you’re on your own. If mom and/or dad have done their job to lead and the child/children have done their job to learn, the odds rise for reaching success.

At play here are a number of issues for most adults as they raise their children. For starters most parents want the best for their children. Most of us also recognize that while we’d like to insulate them from the catastrophic disasters in life, it is necessary and actually a good thing that they struggle with manageable challenges. Why? Primarily because in dealing with challenges, whether ultimately successful or not, there are lessons to be learned which make future challenges of increasingly more significance easier to tackle.

That’s a key concept here; essentially using past experiences upon which to build moving forward. When facing a problem or challenge, drawing on what worked or didn’t work so well in the past to find how to approach things in the present. The more we’ve had experience with something, the greater the possibility that we can transfer what we’ve learned and apply it to a new challenge. While successes are wonderful and to be celebrated, failures are equally good assuming a something has been learned in the process. The learning that occurs not only helps us to approach this current problem with a new strategy or approach, but it also helps us when facing challenges down the road.

Cocooning a child, teen or young adult from such challenges may seem to save them some grief in the short-term, but down the road they may not be as well prepared to deal with a greater challenge having not had exposure or experience to resolving a somewhat easier challenge for themselves in the past.

Many of us have experienced or know of someone who benefitted from their mom or dad landing them their first job. They knew somebody and made a call or two, pulled some strings and got junior their first job. Nothing wrong with that is there? Well probably not. However, how many jobs should a parent ‘get’ for their child or intervene in any way other than to be a cheerleader from the sidelines?

Years ago I remember clearly a man who not only applied for a job without his sons knowledge, he drove him to the interview intending to sit in the interview with his son! When he was told that he wasn’t welcome to do so, he became indignant and took his son home without the interview ever having taken place.

Applying for a job and working with other people is a great experience that provides many learning opportunities. Applying for a job and being passed over in favour of someone else can be a negative experience. I’ve found however that young people are pretty resilient. They are generally good at looking for and finding other jobs to apply to and learning from their experiences.

Of course as parents we’ve got a role to play to guide, instruct, help and support our children as they transition from depending on us to being self-sufficient. It can be stressful trying to decide when to let our children learn on their own and when to give them the solutions which we’ve found on our own through trial and error. And our kids? They don’t always want our advice anyway do they? I mean they know and want to find out things for themselves.

Yes it can be a fine line sometimes. Maybe the best we can do is give them the benefit of our experience and then let them go. Perhaps we’ve done our job at that point.

 

 

 

Moving From Child To Adult On Welfare

Yesterday I had a really good discussion with a 19 year old who gets social assistance. She is 19 years old if you simply count the years she’s been alive, but in some ways she is 14 and in others she is in her mid-twenties. Like so many other people in this world at this age, she’s just trying to find her way.

She said her parents have been on and off welfare for years and as their child, she’s also been in and out of the system. Now at 19, she’s just found a place to live outside of the immediate family, and is making the transition to adulthood. Her biggest fear is that she’ll grow up to become like one of her parents; dealing with anxiety and depression.

This one parent does nothing day after day and talks about big plans and dreams but doesn’t actually do anything to make them come true. She is angry that now as an adult she’s found out about the help that’s available in terms of training and workshops to build self-esteem and help get employment; help her parents never actually took advantage of and still don’t.

The issue she has now is that she hates being on or in the system. That nags at her and is a source of embarrassment and shame. She wants off and out. Complicating things for her is missing 1 credit to graduate from high school, being enrolled and liking it but, then having the school shut down at the moment because teachers are on strike. It’s out of her control to complete her grade 12. With a scant work history and underdeveloped skills (she is only 19 year’s old), it’s hard to be attractive to an employer.

If like this young lady you see yourself, take heart. The very fact that she resents a life on social assistance or welfare and wants so badly to remove herself from it is a positive driving force. That can provide the motivation to really want financial independence badly enough to make it happen. While awaiting the resumption of school, she’s making excellent use of her time by taking a career exploration course too; a course that also helps identify strengths, interests, challenges and learning styles.

There’s a lot to like in her and others like her. She talks of being socially awkward because her parents didn’t let her out much as a growing child. The streets were busy and for safety reasons she wasn’t allowed to go out and play with other kids. That lack of interaction contributed to being somewhat on the outside of the ‘in’ groups. As stated, one parent dealing with their own demons didn’t help much to provide a positive atmosphere in the home. No blame thrown at the parent here, just not fair to the child who otherwise might have grown up more connected, nurtured and encouraged.

So now at 19 here she is on social assistance, fearful of repeating the cycle, becoming the very thing she wants most to avoid. It’s hard at 19 to see a bigger picture. School will eventually resume, she’ll get that grade 12 diploma, she’ll update and upgrade her resume, get her first real paying job, and be on her way to financial independence.

But what of right now? That rosy picture of the future is, well, the future after all. Right now the key is to do what she can, not fret overly about the things beyond her control, not try to solve all her issues at once. She states there are no drug, alcohol or criminal issues (yeah!). She takes good care of her personal hygiene and appearance. She’s got a nice smile, decent teeth, dresses herself appropriately. So she’s got some things going for her and is working on things she sees she needs to in a proactive way.

A major barrier young people like this lady have who grow up with family histories of being on welfare, is often not having parents who can pass on life skills and the knowledge of how to improve. To be completely honest, some families actually flip-flop between wanting more for their children and wanting them to be just like them. One young adult told me their parents would always say, “So you think you’re better than us? Well you’re not and you never will be. Welfare was good enough for your grandparents and your parents and it’s good enough for you too so get used to it.”

So what’s normal for some middle class families; high school, post-secondary education and employment is not necessarily, ‘normal’ for everyone. Welfare may be, ‘normal’ for some families. It’s when someone, as in the case of this young lady, wants to improve their quality of life and income that with that desire for change struggles surface. The good thing to understand and believe is that the struggle is worth it; because when you feel like you just want to quit, you can remind yourself why you started in the first place;. a hunger for something better.

I see something in her; something she may not see herself with her limited skills and experience. And sometimes – just sometimes – if you can’t see something worthy in yourself you should just trust when someone else sees it first. It will reveal itself to you and that’s when you might wonder how they could see what you did not. So good for her, good for you.

 

 

 

Cleavage And The Job Search

The blog today goes where few choose to tread because the topic alone is sure to get a reaction. It’s one of the few things I find people can’t help but notice yet are extremely uncomfortable talking about when working with job seekers – especially to the person themselves. What am I talking about? Exposed cleavage.

Now before you jump all over me or dismiss me as just another man who can’t see anything but a woman’s breasts, hear me out. As an Employment Counsellor who is expected to help those looking for work to realize and overcome their barriers to employment, am I really doing my job if I only point out what I’m comfortable talking about? I think it’s appropriate in this capacity to go into areas that are uncomfortable for some if it’s going to help those looking for work obtain the kind of work they are looking for.

Every so often I come across a young woman who is looking for a job who has by choice made a decision to wear a top that exposes too much of her breasts and cleavage. My typically reaction is to pause and wish I didn’t have to deal with the topic but know I must if I’m to really do my job. My training comes into play, a need for caution lest I be accused of anything inappropriate on my part in even looking, and some quick mental calculations of how the situation should be handled.

Perhaps in some situations it’s best to have the topic covered by a female co-worker. In others it’s best to have a co-worker present to act as a witness to what is said. And yet in others the best thing to do is to just make a matter-of-fact comment akin to covering them up before proceeding. It may be in other situations that other things are talked of first to build some trust first so the person knows your intent is entirely honourable.

There are of course some employers who are looking for exactly this kind of woman to work for them. Sadly I think, but true nonetheless. You can Goolge the oogle and find them in the restaurant business for example where large successful chains actually name their franchises after this particular part of the body. Those that work there dress in clothing that shall we say, accentuates.

All of this aside, I think it is extremely sad to see young, naïve women who really want to work but don’t see any issue with how they are dressed and exposing themselves. I fear for them honestly, because they are susceptible to being taken advantage of. I know from hearing the experiences of other women that  there are some employers who go out of their way to find these women and put them in situations where they are working in seedy establishments, put in skimpy outfits and it is clear that they are there to bring in customers who go in for a good look.

“If you’ve got it flaunt it right?” I’ve heard that. There is a popular pressure many people feel to be pretty and attractive. Just look at television and billboards. You can see as well as anyone that there’s a push to have beautiful hair, get rid of wrinkles, body hair, firm and shape the body, flatten the stomach etc. Not hard then to see that a young woman might want to show off what she’s got.

Oh and it’s not only the guys that notice. No, I see other people both male and female turn, look, look away and then look back. Sometimes those looks are lustful and sometimes those looks are just looks of disbelief.

Being yourself is one thing. Wanting to be taken seriously and have people value you for your mind first is another. And don’t misconstrue; one can be both beautiful and intelligent. There are many examples of those who have exploited their looks first to be recognized and then used their wits to maximize that exposure. Look to popular celebrities for countless examples. Unfortunately there are even more examples of women who have been abused and assaulted.

Is it being prudish to have someone ‘cover up the girls’ as is a popular expression on shows like, “What Not To Wear”, in which the male and female host equally tell overly exposed women to conceal rather than reveal too much cleavage? I don’t think so. I think it’s good practice especially when job searching.

I know personally of one person who does the hiring for his organization who won’t even take a woman into the interview room to interview her if she is exposing too much. Not only is it a safety issue for him personally, he has said that he doesn’t want their appearance to be in any way seen as a possible reason they were hired. He wants it known he hires based on abilities to perform the job being applied to. If they don’t work out, he doesn’t want the rumour mill whispering about his ‘hiring credentials’.

Part of this is just about maturing and understanding sometimes less is more attractive. It’s also understanding what employers – the majority thank heavens – really look for and want in their employees.

Touchy subject for sure and no pun intended. Just like bad teeth, terrible body odour and shorts that are too short, there are things some folks need help with understanding how they are perceived. We don’t do people any favours by avoiding such topics.

 

 

Conversations With Young Adults

If I were in the position of being a Professor in a University or College, or if I found myself commanding the attention of any young people in fact, I’d tell them that above all the other skills they could master, communicating effectively through conversation would top my list.

The stereotypical young person is pretty savvy with most forms of electronic devices; they use cellphones with ease, have I-pods and or I-pads, tweet their friends, and are knowledgeable when it comes to using various apps. However, put away the electronics, turn off the phones and start a real conversation and often a weakness arises.

Now to be fair, what I’m saying doesn’t apply to every young adult I know. But with some, once past the surface issues such as the weather, health, recent school performance and known personal interests, I’ve observed a lack of comfort engaging in meaningful conversation. I can read the expression on their faces as they blankly look off to the left or right, the tight forced smiles which come as they strive to survive a conversation as if they are being interrogated.

Maybe it’s the intimidation factor of being young and talking with older people in general. Is it having a lack of things to talk about or not knowing what to share or ask? I do give young people credit for being information smart. Once a topic is introduced that they have discussed in school for example, they can readily give you their own take on what was presented and what they think of it. In fact, these moments wash over them like a wave of relief when they can share what they know.

Conversation fundamentally is a two-way interaction. If one person is doing most or all of the answering and one is doing most or all of the questioning, it’s trying on both people; the one to keep coming up with questions and the other to keep answering. There are some things one can do to improve the flow of conversation.

For starters, create an atmosphere or environment where questions and conversation in general is encouraged and safe. If you were hosting a University placement student, you’d do well to introduce them to everyone, and to have told everyone prior to their arrival who they are and to have encouraged everyone to welcome them and make them feel comfortable. It’s hard enough on anyone when you meet many people at once. Having one person specifically prepared to play host also gives the student someone to adhere to and look for support and guidance from.

As a young adult, it’s also good practice to keep up on some current affairs in the news. Being ‘in the know’ about some major news story can readily give you the feeling of inclusion; you’re able to participate from a position of knowledge in a conversation. If you don’t know what’s being discussed, you are again in the position of being informed or taught, and that separates you again from those around you.

Sometimes when I’m sitting with young adults in my workplace, I’ll ask them a question such as, “What would you like to ask me? – no question is too bold or off the table.” This allows them to ask anything, go anywhere, and because the invitation has been extended, the conversation begins. Sometimes it’s a tried and true, rehearsed kind of question like, “How did you get started?” Fair enough. Their young, I was once young and in their shoes, wondering at that time how to get started myself. Be prepared to answer or volunteer this information for a young person.

People generally like to talk about themselves, what interests them and share things they find interesting. One thing a young person can do – all of us in fact – is consciously make an effort to ask about the person we are talking with. If you turn all your conversations back to you and how you are doing, what you are feeling and what you hope to do etc., that gets tiring real fast. It’s important to ask about others, how they are doing, feeling and what they are up to.

You can and should practice just talking. Get beyond one syllable answers and really engage in conversation. Every parent can probably identify with the teen/young adult where the conversation goes like this:
“Did you have a nice day today?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Learn anything new?”
“Not really.”
“How are things generally?”
“Fine. I’m going to my room.”

Come to think of it, we can probably remember being on the other end of that conversation too if we are old enough. That wasn’t so much a conversation as it was a mandatory daily interrogation where both parties go through the motions; the parent struggling to engage, the teen or young adult seeking to disengage at the first opportunity without being overtly rude. Neither leaves feeling entirely satisfied.

The world of work demands verbal communication skills. Few people can just turn the art of being a true conversationalist at will like a light switch. You’re going to need to speak with co-workers, clients, customers, your boss, folks in other departments, on the phone, in-person. People skills take time to truly master and the sooner you start, the more you enhance the skill – as with any skill.

Love to hear your thoughts on this.