Be Kind To Yourself

For those who believe in and celebrate Christmas, there’s a widespread practice that around this time of year, we’re all a little kinder to each other. Our smiles are a little bit more genuine as well as frequent, and perhaps we’re a little more forgiving to those we meet, both those we know and those we don’t.

Our Christmas carols, which we know by heart despite only singing them one month a year, have themes of coming home for Christmas, seeing good in others, and being surrounded by friends and loved ones. All in all, it’s a time of year when we look with a smile on the efforts of children being extra good, we chase away the long, dark nights with candles and Christmas lights lit, and we watch yet again the Christmas specials we’ve grown up with for decades.

That’s the experience of some of us during the lead up to Christmas. For a great number of people, this is also a time fraught with anxiety, worry, doubt, confusion and feelings that our emotions are out of control. There’s concerns about traveling in wintry weather, doubts about the sizes of clothing gifts we’ve bought, questions of whether we’ve spent too much or too little on others, and worry over the quality and quantity of food for the big day. Our brains just won’t turn off.

And then comes Christmas of 2020. My goodness… what a year. Unable to gather as we wish, people we’re not allowed to see, restrictions in stores we need to visit, having to adapt and buy online if we’ve held out doing so up to now.

Ironically, you’d think there would be less worry and stress this year for many. Seriously, think of the advantages. No large and awkward family reunions, no big turkey to buy for a gathering of 18, no crowded malls to tackle, nor driving to various destinations on Christmas day to keep both sets of parents happy. Sleeping late on Christmas morning is now an option for those who wish it who are without grandkids, neices and nephews waking up and dragging them to the tree. There’s no rush to shovel the driveway because no one is coming during the pandemic. There’s no cheeks pinched by aunts, nor kisses or hugs from relatives that smell of smoke or overpowering cologne or perfume. None of it.

Despite these, ‘benefits’, our level of stress, anxiety, worry and doubt still persist and actually seem to have escalated this year. Perhaps we’re all starring in our own, ‘made for life’ Christmas movie where we get the life we’ve wished for but are only just now coming to realize isn’t the one we want. Maybe we’re getting a little glimpse into the treasures we already have that we haven’t fully appreciated until now. Maybe that awkward family reunion is – dare I say – something we’re now missing, although we’ll deny it if we’re asked. Maybe sleeping in on Christmas morning is an option, but what will really happen is we’ll wake up, sit alone in the wee hours of the morning and in the utter quiet, suddenly miss those little feet scampering across the floor and bodies falling on us in bed urging us up. We’re not sleeping in at all, despite the emptiness.

What I’m alerting you to is a potential problem here folks, so please listen up. There’s every possibility that your thoughts are going to drift to feelings of guilt and disappointment. You may feel sad and not just for a moment, but for longer than is healthy. Whereas in years past you worried about whether the gift you bought would be really appreciated and make someone happy, maybe this year you’d welcome the usual chaos in the house just to have everyone together. You want it, they want it, but everyone is putting safety first and it’s a socially distanced Christmas for 2020; something no one in the past 2,020 years would even understand the meaning of.

Being kind to others at this time of year is more important than ever. Spare a thought for those who work in front-line healthcare and who, by now, must be feeling the impact of long-term strain. Think on the minimum-wage earning Cashiers and Store Clerks who’d rather not wear a mask for 7 hours nor be expose themselves to all the shoppers, but have no choice, other than to quit. Be kind to those who have to shut their business or switch to online only. Spare some thought for those laid off or have hours drastically cut, still with bills to pay and worries anew.

But spare some kindness for yourself. Yes you. You’re doing the best you can to cope with all 2020 has thrown your way. No one has gone through this before and no one is fully equipped with all the answers. We’re all doing the best we can and your best may or may not measure up to others scrutiny. So be it. It can be hard to see an end to this panemic and a return to the lives we had, but most of us will get that back. When we do, perhaps we’ll even have a better appreciation for the little things that matter most too.

Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of your thoughts and mood when you try your best but fall short of who you’d like to be.

Feeling Stretched?

Many well-meaning people encourage us to push and achieve more. Hit a sales target for the boss and you may find the bar gets raised for next month. Bring a project in under budget and you may find one consequence of your success is their belief you’ll repeat this with future projects; perhaps to the point of being given less resources yet expected to achieve the same results.

Higher expectations in the workplace are nothing new. It seems everyone wants us to be more efficient with our resources, employers want us to cross-train at work; not only being excellent at the work we do, but also learning how to do the work of others, which in turn makes us a higher valued asset. While we know we are entitled to our full lunch or dinner and our 15 minute breaks, often we might find pressure to work through them in practice, even though we’re told to take them.

And it doesn’t stop in the workplace. You might find that at home you’re expected to not just prepare supper, but ensure it’s something that will be a hit with everyone at the table. There’s demands on your time to help with homework, read a story, cuddle on the couch, have everyone’s clothes clean and ready, have lunches ready to go for tomorrow, spend time with the pets and then suprise, squeeze in some additional request for your help with something completely unexpected.

Stretched. It’s perhaps the best and simplest explanation of what you’re experiencing. Pulled by well-meaning people both in the workplace and at home. Of all the people in your life, you’re the only one who really gets the impact of having all these requests and demands made of you. Even when you share with those at home what’s going on at work, they can only understand on an intellectual level rather than having a real appreciation for what it’s like to live your experience. Pehaps while their listening empathetically, they even suggest you make yourself a tea or coffee to calm your nerves, rather than getting up to make it for you. Well-meaning sure, but yet one more tiny thing to do.

The thing is that no matter how much you’re able to stretch yourself and be there for everyone who needs you, you’ve got your limits. Pull beyond what you’re capable of doing and you’ll snap. Then people will look at you with puzzlement and disappointment and question your effort, your commitment, your capabilities!

You have to forgive people who do this though. I mean, we’re all different from everyone else; there isn’t a blueprint that says we can all be stretched to the same limits. Some of us can take on heavy loads and appear to thrive on them. Others work best when the loads are lighter, just not being designed to work at our best when we’re overloaded. But those well-meaning people are sizing us up based on the other people they know and their own best guesses as to what they believe we should be able to take on.

At work, the boss can hardly keep laying more and more responsibility on some members of the team while keeping the workload light for others. This could be read as favourtism. If it went on for any length of time, it could breed discontent, resistence and conflict among the members of the team who feel taken advantage of and overworked – especially if they all receive the same wages.

The other reason I think people should be forgiven for failing to understand what we’re capable of is that as individuals, our own capcacity to carry our loads fluctuates and changes based on all the things we juggle at any one time. What we were able to handle last month might be more or less than what we can handle this month. Why? Well maybe we’ve got 4 birthdays to plan for this month, there’s been a death of a close friend in our personal life, while at work someone’s confided in us that they are looking to leave and all we can see is more work coming our way.

While we can forgive others for unintentionally adding to our stress, we have to give ourselves permission to plateau if need be; send our Superhero cape out for cleaning, and just be normal. It’s not only okay to do this, it’s healthy for our minds and bodies. Pushing ourselves for too long beyond what we’re able to do risks both our physical and mental health. If we should stretch to the point of breaking, well, we’re not only unable to help others, we’ll end up feeling guilty, incapable and disappointed in ourselves. This can mean lower self-worth, anxiety and sadness.

This is not to say we shouldn’t push ourselves or fail to be pushed by others to find what we’re capable of. This is a good thing and sometimes we wouldn’t have the success we’ve had if we didn’t stretch to see what we might achieve. But the difficulty is knowing where that line is between stretching and breaking.

From time to time, what we’re giving is all we’ve got. This doesn’t make us a bad person, nor weak, nor unachieving. It makes us human. And when you feel ready, don your Superhero cape and go get ’em!

When Change Is Here

Throughout your professional and personal life, you’ll often experience change. Whether or not you adapt, and the rate of speed at which you do, goes a long way to determining your successful transition from what was to what is.

Just like any other skill, the ability to deal with change is something some of us are better prepared and able to deal with than others. While one person might embrace change immediately, another might take longer, needing time to process new information; work through in their mind what they are being asked to do, consider the ramifications and eventually get on board. Still others will hold on with everything they’ve got to what they’ve known out of their personal need for security and familiarity; especially if they’ve liked doing things a certain way.

Not all people who resist change are similar, although to casual observer they may appear to be so. While there may indeed be people so resistent they actively go out of their way to thrawt change, others just need time to process new information. This is particularly the case if the size and rate of change is large and quick.

Back in 2019, a lot of businesses and employees worked in ways which were very familiar to them. 2019 looked a lot like 2018, 2017 etc. But then, a world-wide pandemic arrived and for many individuals and businesses, the unexpected pandemicvirus forced people to change and adapt or risk business and job loss. Transforming how business would be done meant many people had to suddenly learn new skills, merge home and work environments, affecting their personal and professional lives.

One key determinent to how quickly we commit to change is whether it’s us that’s envisioned the change or we are having to react and adapt to change envisioned by others. When we initiate change, we are involved with the entire process; having a spark of an idea, mulling it over, considering pros and cons, weighing ramifications of when to change and the rate at which we do so and then finally introducing change when we feel confident and committed to it. When someone else brings about change, it depends at what point we are introduced to the process and its impact on us personally when it comes to how quickly we’re able to move from what was to some new way of working.

When change is large, such as working remotely from home rather than going to a workplace, one thing which makes this easier is a pack mentality. Everyone is in the same situation during the pandemic and this common, external threat unifies staff and gets people supporting each other; everyone starting from a common point of having to learn new skills.

When major change is initiated by some in the organization and there isn’t a shared belief that change is required, resistance can be predicted and expected. Consider a new delivery model of the services you provide, a new set of policies and procedures, a realignment of departments and personnel. When these kinds of changes are brought about, you may be asked to trust senior management is making changes for the betterment of the company and is making decisions based on information they have, which you at your level do not.

While you will be expected to get onboard with implemented changes, I submit that ‘getting onboard’ isn’t enough. In navigating an organization through some new uncharted waters, some onboard might choose not to paddle – at least not while being observed; the result being they don’t help move the rest forward. While they don’t actively impede progress, forward movement isn’t as unified and quick as it would be if they pulled in the same direction. Everyone moves faster when given the tools required and uses their oar to pull. Things progress best not only when everyone works together, but also matches the effort of those who move with enthusiasm and energy.

Good advice if you generally don’t do well with change is to give yourself time to receive and process information before digging in and coming across as opposed. Sometimes 24 hours and a good sleep is all that’s needed to process information and see things differently. It’s also helpful in some circumstances to ask questions that help you better understand the reasons behind change. What is it these changes are a reaction to? How will they better posiiton your company, department or you personally to better deliver your products and services? What’s at risk if you keep the status quo?

Of course there are times when you’ll be expected to embrace change without access to all this information because the distance between your posiiton and the people envisioning change is great.

If change is severe, you might find it healthier to look for work elsewhere or retire. You might also find that seeking out a Counsellor to talk through your fears, concerns and anxiety helpful too. Not everyone deals well with change but change happens nonetheless.

I personally have improved my adaptability to change and it’s now a strength. For me, the faster I change my mindset, (which I control), the better I am to embrace change itself, over which I often have little control.

Resistence to change is often how it might look to others when actually you just need time to learn new methods.

Be Gracious This December

2020 has not been kind to most of us; and for some, in multiple ways. The good news is we’ve only a month to go. The bad news, those few remaining days are coming during what is for many, already an emotional and stressful month.

Traditionally, retailers with products to sell off before year end extend their hours and in so doing, make more demands upon their staff. December is that, ‘make it or break it’ month, as bean counters rely heavily on Black Friday and the, ‘Only __ days until Christmas!’ events to balance the books. For we consumers, the pressure is on to find the right gifts, at affordable prices, wrap and label, hide or post them, and if ordering online, allow sufficient time to have them delivered ahead of the big day.

2020 though adds layers of uncertainty. Fear of illness, restrictions on movement, reservations about increased online scams, anguish over whether family should even get together or not, uncertainty of whether to buy a big turkey or modest bird, it just goes on. Why even the decision to decorate or not and to what extent is weighing on people’s minds. The chaos and upheaval of packing up year round accessories and unpacking boxes of Christmas decorations is normally a happy time we wouldn’t have any other way, but for some it will be bittersweet as individuals wonder if anyone will even be allowed in their house to share in the transformation and see the tree.

Practically speaking, a lot of us are out of work; or if we landed new jobs, we had a loss of employment and the income that went with it at some point this past year. So gift buying might be quite different this year, and if gift buying is different, so too will be gift receiving. Be aware now, and remember this, so your expectations don’t disappoint you, straining your good mental health which 2020 has attacked with regularity.

And so it is, my good reader, that we must give others – and ourselves – the gift of gracious understanding. We’re all under a lot of pressure; some of us know it and some of us don’t. Having an increased capacity for empathy may just be what gets us through the remaining month and into 2021. Like the Who’s down in Whoville, we might wake up Christmas morning and find Christmas comes just the same whether or not it comes with ribbons on boxes, with bows and with tags. May we wake up with smiles on our faces and joy in our hearts just the same.

For a lot of folks, December is a stressful month as it brings back reminders of loved ones who have left, relationships ended, feelings of isolation and being left behind which this year will be that much more intensely felt. Many long term care facilities won’t be permitting visitors, and the deterioration of mental and physical health may surprise us when we do eventually get back to seeing parents and grandparents in care there.

But it’s not all bleak despair.

I’m advocating for increased appreciation and gratitude for the many people who, despite all the above, are not only going about their work days as usual, they’re stepping up their level of service and investing much more personal energy in doing so. All kinds of people are keeping us safe while putting themselves at risk; receiving no increase in compensation for doing so. The minimum wage earner who wipes your grocery cart handles you don’t see and the Cashier who has to wipe down the conveyer belt when you mistakenly put your reusable bags on it among them.

There are people, (and I’m one) wearing masks for the entirety of 7 hour shifts, still trying to convince people to don their own masks for much shorter periods of time. Inconvenient and uncomfortable for sure, but done not only to protect ourselves, but to safeguard the very people who complain about having to wear their own and wear it properly. Pulling it beneath your nose because your glasses fog up or pulling it down to speak puts us all at risk; you’re doing it wrong. Sigh…

And yet, these are the very kinds of situations in which we have to have more empathy for the folks involved. That doesn’t mean we’re complacent or lax in reminding others to mask up, but we can do it with empathy because we too know it’s not comfortable. Patience, understanding, kindness etc.; may they all be in great abundance.

If you’re feeling a trifle sadder this year with any of the above, consider that you’re moving a tad closer to better appreciating what it may be like for people with anxiety and depression. Some if not all of these people go from day to day throughout the year – and have done so for years – living with multiples of what you may be only now coming close to. Anxiety and depression being invisible to the eye, extending understanding and graciousness to others could do a world of good and you’ll never know what a kindness you may have paid forward.

In your online posts, be gentle. Hit, ‘like’ a little more often rather than sending an anonymous volley at someone you don’t know in the least. Be good to each other and in so doing, be good to yourself.

 

Struggling Under Pressure

Feeling pressure and stress is a natural reaction to changing conditions around us, especially when we feel a loss of control over the environment we’re in, the people around us and the rate at  which the change occurs. When we struggle, what’s really happening is we are undergoing an adjustment period from what was known and normal to conditions that are unknown and new.

The degree to which we struggle with change depends on the magnitude of the change, the quantitative number of changes we are experiencing at one time and whether or not the changes are being initiated by us or by others.

When you’re the person who initiates change, you’re in control. Having control helps you cope with the pressure that comes about as a result and generally speaking, you’re able to handle it because you initiated it. Struggling to break in a new pair of shoes is a good example. It’s a relatively small change, and you understand the pain and stress your feet are under will only last long enough to break them in. You can mitigate the pain of the new shoes by wearing them for short periods of time if you want; switching to a more comfortable pair if you choose.

The quantitative number of changes you’re under greatly affects the degree to which you struggle or not. When the only thing causing stress is breaking in a new pair of shoes, it’s likely you’ll cope well. However, if you’re dealing with uncomfortable shoes while heading to the school to answer a summons from your child’s principal; which coincides with the oil light coming on in the car and you suddenly remember the whole chicken you meant to put in the slow cooker has been on the kitchen counter for 6 hours, the stress is compounding. Oh, and tonight is the night you have to pay the month’s bills!

Here in November of 2020, we’re all under stress arising from the Covid-19 pandemic. On the size scale, it’s massive and as for control, we have none; only over our reaction to it. What is different for each one of us is the number of other changes and stressors we have in our lives. While some of us have kept our jobs, others have lost them; lost the security of income that came with those jobs. The loss of that stable income has meant applying for financial relief for some, eroding life savings for others. Increased irritability is what some are feeling as their self-identity has been lost along with job titles, and this can cause struggles at home to the point of breaking formerly strong relationships.

When we are in a healthy, normal state, we are in balance. When a change occurs that tilts this balance, we put our brain and body to use in an effort to restore the balance. If we are stressed because the oil light comes on the dashboard of the car, we get it serviced. Our stress is reduced as a result and we’re back in balance. Funny how that little light can upset one person tremendously while another will drive for years with it on and not care in the least.

The oil light is a good example of a problem we encounter where for almost all of us, the solution is known. While we may not be able to take the car in right away, we at least have the knowledge of what to do to resolve the problem and we book a service appointment which gives us a definitive date by which the problem will be resolved. We are in control.

However, take a problem that’s beyond our control with no easy solution. There’s going to be a big shake up at work; people reassigned work locations and the company is bringing in some outside leadership. You haven’t had the opportunity yet to be cross-trained and fear you’ll land in a job you won’t perform well at. There’s rumours that this is the same leadership that cost people jobs in a nearby town.

We feel understandably stressed and vulnerable during this time as we lack the necessary information that is needed to reassure ourselves and get back into balance. There’s nothing we can do until we learn what the new alignment looks like. While this might be exciting and energizing for some, it can cause us great anxiety.

Some of the anxiety we feel might be because we haven’t had a previous experience in our lifetime upon which we can draw to cope. Some of our co-workers might have had one or two shakeups they’ve undergone and survived elsewhere and are better equipped to cope with this situation. While the reassurance they give us might help, it doesn’t completely as we go through this kind of experience for the first time ourselves.

If you have more stress than you can deal with, you may indeed be struggling. If you’ve been struggling for a longer time than you feel you should, it’s natural to worry. Understand your stress is a natural reaction; your way of coping with your circumstances.

Reaching out to a Mental Health professional is a great way to regain a measure of control by sharing your stress. Start with your doctor or contact your mental health organization directly.

 

Feel At Your Lowest? Take Heart; Have Hope

Some people apply for and win a job, only to find a short time into the role there’s a voice inside that says, “Well, this is it. This is what my education and experience has brought me to unless I make another change”. These are not words of comfort. These are words expressing dissatisfaction, perhaps bitterness and resentment.

One wonders then why someone would even apply and further accept, a position which was far below what they want; far below what they would otherwise consider. Maybe if you’re identifying with this situation, you’re reflecting back yourself at this very moment on a time in your own life when you took a job that if truth be told, you felt beneath you. You know your reasons at the time.

It’s fair to say that the reasons behind making such a move must be powerful enough or otherwise no one would do so. I’ve met more people than you might guess who have done exactly this; taken a job and worked in it for a time when it’s not made use of their full set of skills and not brought them happiness or fulfillment.

Sometimes it’s a case of having exhausted all their savings and needing a job to survive. Sometimes it’s an older worker in their late 50’s or early 60’s who has been rejected over and over again; their self-confidence obliterated and yet still feeling the need to contribute. In other words, desperation sometimes can cause us to make decisions and do things we would never have thought possible of ourselves.

So yes, you might be a well-educated person with some impressive work history on your resume, finding yourself in an entry-level position making minimum wage, all the while answering to a Supervisor who has another couple of month’s to go before getting their high school diploma. That voice inside has verbalized more than once, “This is it? This is where we are?”

You can have many reactions to the voice in your head. You can accept the voice as a truth and agree that yes, this is where you’ve landed. But even then, you can continue with, “This is where I belong and I’m here forever”, or “This is where I am but this is only the first of many steps I’ll be taking on my way back up.”

This shouldn’t be confused with the person who reinvents themselves and moves from success in one industry to rock bottom in another but gains joy in the new job. A Business Executive might chuck it all for a potters wheel, but they might have made this move by calculation and design. I’m looking more at the person who has lost it all; who never thought they’d be where they are today and is struggling with their self-perception, their mental health and their self-worth.

When you’re in that dark and lowly place, then suddenly find yourself employed on the bottom rung of a footstool rather than a long ladder with no prospects of advancing anywhere soon, that voice in your head will likely start whispering.

Take heart my reader. You remain, as you always have been, a person of worth. Sometimes, in order to be reshaped and repurposed, people – as well as things – are broken down and remade. You may yet be destined to do things from which you’ll take great pride and personal satisfaction. You, who may have measured yourself and others primarily by job title and salary, are in a period of flux; change. It’s unsettling, disruptive, chaotic and turbulent and at the same time an unwanted period of long, drawn out days with little to do.

And then along comes this job you’ve successfully obtained. It doesn’t compensate you as jobs have in the past. It doesn’t tap into your rich and diverse skills. It does fulfill your most immediate needs for the present however. It gives you a purpose, a place to be with expectations of performance. It puts you back on a clock and in a routine. It forces some new thought patterns in your brain, it stimulates thinking and reintegrates people to your daily life. And yes, it does provide some compensation, giving you perhaps a whole new appreciation for jobs and the people in them that you previously took for granted.

You may find your mental health somewhat improved and your self-worth slowly rebuilding. Gratitude might be coming to mean so much more to you than in times past, and if there are people standing with you to help you through this low point in your life, you might find yourself humble enough to tell them just how much they mean to you. You might be emotionally charged and quick to tears.

You can be sure I’m recalling the stories, faces and anguish of many people over the years I’ve met and worked with in the lowest parts of their lives as I write this. But take heart and have hope! Yesterday I received a short note of thanks from just such a person. In 3 short years, he’s resurrected a career, paid off school and car loans and is saving $2,000 a month. Wow!

Yes, there is hope. You are deserving of happiness and fulfillment. You are so much more than the person that voice would have you believe.

Launching Yourself From A Career Rut

It doesn’t happen to everyone of course, but if it should happen to you, well, you’ll appreciate the paralysis it can bring on. I’m speaking of the dreaded Career Rut.

This is the phenomenon that occurs when you feel trapped in your job; mired in the routine of going in day after day, week after week with an absence of true passion or satisfaction in your work. It’s more than just annoying. Left unchecked, it can fester and grow, robbing you of happiness in how you spend the majority of your working day and soon becoming your prevailing worry outside of working hours. It brings on apathy and feelings of hopelessness. It steals self-esteem as you feel annoyed with yourself for not doing something about it and changes how others view you too. And physically? Make no mistake, you’ll feel aches and pains, headaches, feel overtired and sleep more to ‘turn off’.

Have you found yourself wondering more and more often, “Is this all there is?” “I don’t  know what to do with the rest of my life but it sure isn’t this.” As the days go by without a plan for change, tension rises at about the same rate your patience with others around you drops.

It’s important to get what’s at the source of the problem and accurately define it.  I mean you have to separate going through a short phase of needing some additional stimulation in your work versus that persistent, all-encompassing feeling of being stuck; unfulfilled.

Give yourself credit for one positive; there’s a problem and you’re consciously aware of it. That’s the good news. Now a question to ask of you – and it might sound trite – are you happy? Oddly enough, there are some who are quite happy to carry on going in to jobs they no longer have the least bit of satisfaction doing. They’re willing to trade personal happiness for money, benefits, seniority or vacation time. The trade off is one they rationalize as worth it and they do their best to convince themselves that this is just the reality of work; that it’s called work for a reason, that feeling motivation during your work is a joke.

Okay so if you’re not happy. The next thing to ask yourself is whether you’re willing to do more than just long for change; for change is what’s required. You can hardly expect to carry on in the same job with the same behaviour day after day and magically come to feel better about yourself. Change in such a situation is critical.

Change of course can be scary. There’s an element of risk as you move from what you know intimately to something new, and with anything new comes uncertainty. This however is about YOU; this single life you’ve got to live and spend. Maybe you’re feeling out of control; bound to carry on with your ‘responsibilities’, your ‘commitments’ and your ‘obligations’. Congratulations on being accountable.

Your choices when you’re in such a state are:

1. Do something completely different with a new organization
2. Do something similar but with a new organization
3. Do something different in the same organization
4. Quit and retire from work altogether

Doing something similar elsewhere from where you work now is fine if you determine that the role itself has appeal but the organization is what’s robbing you of your happiness. You might even take on a mentor or leadership role if you bring a great deal of experience and insight into a startup.

Quitting outright might be the answer if you’re on the cusp of retiring. However, when you’re in your 40’s, that short-term satisfaction of walking away may prove to be a delusion as you still find yourself pondering, “What to do now?”

Thinking you’re happiness might be rekindled in a new role where you work now? This is dependent on whether the company is large enough that the opportunities exist and whether or not your education and experience actually qualifies you in some other role.

So you’re left pondering the leap to another role completely and making a fresh start with another firm. Let me tell you, this is invigorating and stimulating; like jumping off the security of a dock into chilly waters. It can wake you up, jolt you out of your lethargic state and energize you.

To make a leap such as this, you’ll need to take stock of your skills, experience, interests and courage. Practically speaking, access your financial security, your comfort with risk and the impact on others where there’s family involved. Have conversations and you may find your ‘old’ self is missed and they’ll stand behind the change you’re contemplating if it brings you happiness.

As soon as possible, complete a self-inventory of likes, interests, education, experience, transferable skills and start looking with fresh eyes on jobs out there. Tap into your LinkedIn and personal network for advice and leverage these folks as a sounding board.

What you do is up to you. If and when you change and embrace the risk or remain securely locked in the rut is yours and yours alone to choose. We all evolve over time and our interests change. It’s not truly uncommon to feel the rut; but it is uncommon to actually take the initiative to do something great and save your mental health.

Seeking To Be More Positive

I’m willing to gamble that like me, you’re someone who likes to have positive things happen in your life. I think that’s a safe bet. That’s not to say we’re immune to troubles; that we don’t have problems and challenges to deal with of course, but we do like it when good things happen to us.

The question then is whether or not these positive things happen to us randomly and by chance or can we somehow go about our days drawing these positive events to us? Well, just as I believe you can create good fortune through the things you do, I hold that yes, we can put ourselves in situations which we’ll find positive. If we do this on a regular basis, then we generally have a series of more positive events, and these then become linked together, thus creating a pattern.

Now of course, negative things must happen to us all; physical ills, accidents and problems not just for us but for members of our family and friends, yes they’ll continue to happen. We cannot eradicate death, disease and …. well, you get the point. However, those things aside, we can if we choose, go about our day with positive thinking and having our eyes open to situations which we can benefit from being involved in and to which we can add benefit for others.

Think for a moment of the people you come into contact with every day. As you do so, are you able to discern the ones you find generally more upbeat and positive? Again, like me, I’m fairly certain you can. These folks generally appear happier, they may automatically wear a smile when they see others, and they have an overall positive outlook. These are the kind of people you genuinely want to say hello to and have a conversation with because you just know you’ll enjoy it. My guess is you enjoy being connected to them. Wouldn’t it be great if what you see in these people was embedded in all the people you worked with daily?

The naysayers and negative types are likely thinking to themselves that the kind of work setting I’m describing doesn’t and can’t exist. They would say to think that any work site would have just positive people going around all day is a fantasy. Well, isn’t that just the kind of thing you’d expect them to say? There’s irony for you!

A generally positive outlook is what you’re after here. Yes, you’ll still find aspects of your job frustrating and you’ll still undergo stressful situations which challenge the positive energy you’re seeking to bring out. Like every other thing worth having, being positive can be learned. It make take years to get where you want depending where you are now, but it’s worth striving for I believe.

One thing you can do on a practical level to get started is look for positive upsides when difficulties arise. It’s so easy after all to gravitate to the negative and see problems when problems present themselves. But in those challenges, there is likely an opportunity to find a positive. Losing a job is a great example of this. It’s stressful for sure, there’s a loss of income and identity, a fear of what will happen and it can be something we want to keep private rather than share out of shame or guilt. However, losing the job we’ve had can be flipped into positives. We now have the opportunity to look at other options we would have said earlier that we’d love to look at but just don’t have the time for. Well, now we do.

The stress that accompanied that former role is gone now too; replaced I get it by the stress of looking for work, but there are varying kinds of stress and some are actually beneficial. It can be very invigorating to be explore new employers, new careers, school options etc. It’s not all doom and gloom.

The loss of a job can also give you more time with your family, allow you to get the odd thing done around the house you’ve put off too long. Cleaning out the garage or painting the living room might just clear your mind of tasks hanging over your head and that’s a positive thing isn’t it?

Look for good when bad things happen. This is a gift you can give others too. If your job brings you into contact with people who have frustrations and problems, you should certainly acknowledge their feelings – absolutely. However, if you then get them talking about the positive opportunities they may have now that they didn’t have before, you may lighten a heavy load and get them thinking more positively, which in turn can make your interaction better overall.

And the really nice thing about being positive? You draw people to you who are similar in their outlook. That combined outlook is energizing and creates a positive relationship be it in your personal or professional life.

Feel Just Like You Did Last Year?

In every household around the world, the calendars flipped on January 1st, marking not only a new year, but a new decade. The internet is full of people posting about the new hope that this brings, the fresh starts, the opportunities that await and it would seem all we have to do is jump on board the bus and we’re on our way with an overly enthusiastic and energetic group of positive people. How can we not have a grand time?

Yet, something is wrong. Today seems just like yesterday and yesterday felt pretty much like previous days before that. While the calendar turned over, your life seems pretty much unchanged otherwise. So you’re starting to wonder, “With everyone I read about touting the arrival of 2020 as a reason to celebrate, why do I feel left out? If anything, these overly happy and positive people have me feeling more depressed than I was before.”

Let’s be clear about one thing shall we? The turning over a calendar alone hasn’t brought about magical change for ANYONE. Having said that, it’s what flipping the calendar represents that has people excited and optimistic. Take reading a story in a book. The chapter you’re reading seems rather long and is really moving a little slower than you’d like. It’s You flip the pages just to see how long it will be until you reach a new chapter and you see there’s another 12 pages. You could skip the 12 pages of a book but you can’t do so with life. The arrival of 2020 is like the first few words on that next chapter; the one you hope will speed up the action, draw you fully in to the plot and get you wanting to read more; really caring about the protagonist and wondering how they’ll fare in the end. So this is what 2020 is and why so many are excited.

But here’s the catch; you and I – them too for that matter – we all have to work to put ourselves into the positions we need to be in for us to take advantage of the opportunities 2020 is going to bring. If we don’t invest ourselves in the work it will take, the phone won’t ring nor will we get that single email that we dream of that leads to an employment offer. 2020 can be the year that we look back on and believe was the moment our lives were forever changed for the better, but we have to do things that bring about such change.

Ah change. It’s what you want isn’t it. That’s not a typo because it’s not a question but rather a statement. You want change. But change doesn’t happen when you sit and do nothing and the chance of change happening for the better is only marginally better when you keep doing whatever it is you’ve done in the past. Real, significant change occurs most often to people who do things differently and with applied energy.

Whether you’re job hunting, looking for a promotion – hey maybe even looking for Mr. or Miss Right, two things are needed; 1) a change in how you’re going about things and 2) a lot of work on your part. The thing about the work first; it is work to find work or to land a promotion or to be discovered by the person who is hoping to meet you this year. Work though in this sense is something you should relish; after all you’re going after something you really want, so your motivation should be heightened. As for a change in how you’re going about things, it stands to reason that if you keep doing things as you’ve always done them, it’s likely the results you get will be similarly the same.

Okay, so it’s January 6th today, we’re about a week into the new year and you’re feeling down because you’re standing alone with your 2020 party hat on, the streamers are on the ground and the noisemaker in your hand just seems so phony.

Avoid looking for company so you can be miserable and disillusioned together. Misery might like company, but this isn’t the company you want. If you really want to feel alive and celebrate success, what is it going to take to get you personally motivated? Again, might be talking a job, losing weight, repairing a family issue, buying a car, improving your mental health, being more assertive etc.

My suggestion is to consult an expert in the area you want to obtain success. What they’ll want from you is a commitment to your end goal and this means you’ll have to put in the work necessary on your end if you want their help to be truly beneficial. Otherwise, you’re just giving away your time and money.

If you are genuinely and honestly wanting to improve some aspect of your life, there are all kinds of people who want to work with you and support you. Be prepared however to do things that will require stamina; both physical and mental. If you want it bad enough however, I’ll guarantee – that’s right I’ll guarantee – that you’ll achieve your goal. Why? Because when you want it bad enough, you discover that putting in the work takes less effort as you build on your own momentum. Getting started and building that momentum is the hardest part.

If you feel nothings changed, maybe it hasn’t – yet. But it can and it will if you really want it.

 

Victims And Their Predators

Yes I suppose I’m upset, but more accurately, I’m disappointed; again.

I’m sad too, because once more, some good people have every reason to become cold and hard. Most are women – but there are men too; the victims of abuse. I ask you read on.

Why oh why I ask myself again and again are some people so intent on ruining the self-esteem, confidence and self-perception of others? Why is it that small people determinedly go out of their way to elevate themselves in sick, disturbing and twisted ways by intentionally diminishing others? What makes some people pour their energy into financially, emotionally, sexually and physically hurting and exploiting others?

Her name could be Sandra, Delores, Kelly, Cindy, Fatima, Tatiana or any other. She could be living in poverty, entrenched in the middle class or among the well-to-do. She just might have a degree or her Masters, dropped out before getting her high school diploma or be back in an adult education classroom. Her height, weight, eye or hair colour don’t define her, nor the country of her birth, the family she calls her own. She is at the same time anyone and everyone; your next door neighbour, the person you share the bus with, the driver in the next lane, the co-worker you admire for her good work habits. She could be your daughter; and you could be entirely unaware. And not be excluded, his name could be Dan, Keith, Jordan, etc. with the same realities as those above.

I’ll tell you this: he or she didn’t deserve what’s happened. She didn’t ask for it, he didn’t seek it out, neither one is in the least deserving of being on the receiving end of an abusive relationship. Let’s make it personal. YOU; yes you, you are blameless. You deserve better; you’re worthy and your not at fault. What you looked for, what you thought you’d found, wasn’t the abusive, manipulative relationship you ended up in. Those emotional beatings you’ve been on the receiving end of are just as real, just as devastating as a physical assault.

So what’s prompted this? Well, as you’d have guessed, once again, I’ve encountered victims of abuse; suffering at the hands of their past and current partners. What do these predatory men who’ve inflicted this abuse on these people have in common? Here’s their description:

•  They are polite, well-spoken, charming and well-mannered
•  They introduced themselves as caring and loving
•  They discouraged contact with the victims friends
•  They separated the victim from receiving help/support
•  They went too far, apologized, said it would never happen again
•  They bought gifts, they came smartly dressed
•  They keep the victim guessing, on their guard and nervous
•  They set impossible standards, demean and shame

Recognize anyone you know? These are the fellows who can charm parents of the victim into actually taking their side, who act and sound remorseful when it suits their needs and punish, pummel and humiliate when they are in the mood for, ‘fun’. These abusers dash hopes routinely, snoop through purses, get their mutual friends convinced they are the, ‘good’ one. These are the ones that turn kids against the victim; making it out that the victim is to blame for the fights, the arguments, the separations, the divorces. They are often extremely intelligent, convincing, likable and their greatest skill is manipulation. You might even like them very much yourself and come to doubt the truth of the victim’s claims.

I’m working closely with two victims of abuse at the moment. We’re looking to move forward with interviews that will lead to employment offers. I’ve only a small glimpse of the abuse suffered and endured. I’m hurting for them – and I’m not being trite – I’m being serious. But my hurt is absolutely nothing in comparison to theirs and please don’t think I’m suggesting it is.

What I see is two beautiful people both inside and out. They’ve got a lot to offer potential employers. They are bright, intelligent, well-spoken, educated, have superior interpersonal skills and… they are fragile, damaged, but not for a moment are they anything less than amazing and deserving.

What they want; what they deserve is decent jobs and stable, caring, meaningful relationships in true reciprocating partnerships. What annoys me and saddens me is when good people – strike that – beautiful people become jaded and hardened towards the world; when they distrust (with reason) others and miss the very healthy and secure, loving relationships they so crave. Those abusive, small-minded, evil abusers at that point have won.

If you know an abusive individual, stop pretending they aren’t doing any harm. Distance yourself from them and call them out. Abusers don’t like being in the light. If you know a victim, offer support, believe them and stand with them. Be a good ambassador for humankind. At this point, more abusers are male, more victims female. If you’re a male, you’ve got an onus to be one of the good guys; to keep alive the slim glimmer of hope for some woman that good men, while hard to find, are still out there. This is especially true if you’re in a position of authority and work with vulnerable populations. It falls to all of us however to be decent.

If you’re moved by this, impacted by this, add your voice. A like, a thumbs up, a comment. Let us stand together.